Sunday, November 22, 2009

The Currant Bush

I know, I said last week that I would update, but things got a little crazy again. It is 12:30 in the morning and I can't sleep. I thought it would be a good time to write, and not waste anymore time trying to fall asleep. I have been having a difficult time trying to write about this experience. Every time I tried something would come up, or I just couldn't find the right words.

Hopefully it will make some sense.

As you know, we hosted a boy from Ukraine. He is 11 and so very cute. My boys have been a handful, and basically I was insane for even thinking I could host again. Families were dropping out at the last minute, and the funding wasn't there to take all of the kids that Nanette wanted to bring over. He was one of the kids that had to be cut. Kent didn't think it was a good idea for us to host, and either did anyone in my family. Still, I felt like I needed to host him.

As last minute funding came through, and he was put back on the list, I felt like he was meant to come to America and have a chance at a real family. I agreed to host him, with a feeling that we were going to find him a family.

Of course, when he got here, he got along great with the boys, and he was a lot of fun to have around. We never got an overwhelming feeling that he was ours though, and by the end of the hosting program I was in full panic mode. There were other families that were interested in him, but they didn't seem right to me, and I couldn't let him go.

Heavenly Father has a plan for all of us, and he had a definite plan for this boy. A family came along at the last minute, that I felt was the right family for him. I was attached to him, but all along I felt numb to my feelings for him so that I could let him go. In just a day, they fell in love with him and wanted him.

It was a hard day at the airport saying good-bye. He ran up to me and hugged me so tight. We took a picture and he started to cry, which in turn made me start to cry. We just sat there for a minute, hugging and crying. I had to let him go and all the numbness I had felt during the week wore off. I was at a complete loss to my real feelings and what I knew I needed to do. I just promised him that everything would be all right, and that so many people fell in love with him. That he was such a lucky boy, and was going to have a really great family someday soon.
It was one of the most heart wrenching things I have ever had to do. I cried off and on, for under a week after he left. I do know that we have experiences in our lives for a reason. That they are for our growth, even though it hurts like hell. {Sorry, but it did} I'm so grateful for being able to be his mom for two and half weeks, and for all of my kids to have a little brother. I think we all learned a lot from this experience.

I didn't want to list his name and go into great detail about those weeks. I did want to share these pictures, however. It took me awhile before I could even look at them. Now, I feel like I can just confront my feelings head on, and that makes me stronger.

Nanette, how do you do this every year?


Wendy said...

Oh Ari....those pictures of you two at the airport hurt my heart.
I think you are fabulous for opening your heart and home to this little guy.
I can see why it took awhile to blog this.
Thanks for sharing.

hale said...

You are an awesome lady...You were one of the doors to his new life. What a great gift! And as you said...he was loved by so many! I'm proud of you! Monique

McKay Esplin said...

I am working on the home study for this little guys family and, you're right, they are amazing. It just stinks that doing the right thing has to hurt sometimes. I'm so glad you hosted him; otherwise, he wouldn't be able to have the future that he now will.

The Horlachers said...

So hard! You're a great family and he is a lucky kiddo for having the opportunity to be with you. Even though the ending to this story won't be with your family, you were an instrument in God's hands to give him a chance to come to America. Little did he know that the chance you gave him for those 2.5 weeks would turn into him now finding a permanent family that will give him what you gave your boys not too long ago. Even though you cried for sadness now, you'll cry again for joy when he comes back to America for good.